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| Wherever I'll go in the next chapter of life, I'll surely miss Bali's Makoto Shinkai sky |
Here it comes again; a biannual state where a little part of my brain starts to re-contemplate all the life choices I’ve made and which path I’d like to take moving forward. I’ve been bragging about my multi-worlds to everyone - that I do science as well as a true scientist, and I do involve myself in various for-profit industries and politics. But late at night, or whenever I find myself sitting alone in the airport or a cafe, among these worlds, what kind of world do I want to be in eternally? I’ll be celebrating the age of 30 around a year from now, and which part of me I’d like to see is still there and not?
I’ve been talking about this with my husband lately, and I found something funny. He took selfies as he grew older, and he said he felt better about himself than when he was younger. This is the total opposite of women. A woman grows insecurity when she grows older, with wrinkles on her face and body that are different from her youth. The decision to have or not to have kids, to pursue her ambitious dream, or just stay low and be happy in her daily routine. And I’m standing in this crossed path. I have everything in my hand to choose one good path; some first-author publications and ongoing grants to pursue an academic career, some good portfolio and recommendations to pursue a commercial industry position for life or any other good thing that I could be. I am so privileged with a supportive husband, closest friends, and advisors. Financially and mentally stable at this young age, nothing I could ask for more. But I know that life can change easily in one finger snap. So this is my insecurity, asking if it is time to take only one path and be fully dedicated to it, or not take any and be a generalist for the rest of my life?
I don’t know. Lately, I have taken an extra day off on Friday so I can have time on my own to watch my favorite crime dramas or just pick out clothes that I’d like to donate. Thinking that, sometimes, being a stay-at-home wife would not hurt for a year or two. There are so many things that I like to do, but it’s hard to find that I really like that I would willingly spend my entire life doing it. My childhood dream was to be a detective and a data-driven strategist, and it has been fulfilled every single day. Finding the exact problem and trying to solve the puzzle. This has been enough. But as silly as it be, the puzzle and questions of life are even harder to be solved.
For example, a major question I’d like to find the answer to is whether it’s time to be back home or not. Bali offers a lot; peace, slow life, and the privilege of having a house within 10 minute drive from beaches or mountains. In Bali, I learned the importance of work-life balance for the first time in my life. But two years of the pandemic, limiting my activities showed me that being close to people I dearly care about is more important. It’s so sad to be absent from all your best friends' weddings or their big day, it really is. My younger version, who traveled around the world alone, wouldn’t understand this, but as I watch my parents and friends getting older, distance is becoming one major consideration. I visited a long-time high school best friend, who picked me up from the airport when my mom died, and now is pregnant. It’s such a shame that I missed her wedding (well, she missed mine too, but because her father passed away on the exact same day), but I actually don’t want to miss it when she’s giving birth.
Is this the right time to go back to where I truly belong?
There are more and more questions in my head, and I failed to find the answer… will I be a good mother? Or will I be a strongly committed person to marriage as it is portrayed in Netflix’s documentary “My Love”? Will everything be fine with continuous climate disasters and disease evolution? Will I be able to be there when my Dad is on his deathbed, not like when my Grandpa passed away some months ago?
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| Long faces after a long flight and train journey just to visit our beloved family and friends |
After spending 3 weeks around my family in Central Java and the Capital, I felt homesick for my house in Bali, not because it’s Bali -- because it is my home, where I have my life with my husband and a grumpy cat. Had this house been located anywhere else, it would have felt the same.
And in that Terminal 3, the biggest but coldest terminal in Soekarno Hatta, I said to myself, there will be a time I won't be here again waiting for my flight to Bali. Weird because that felt fine. Maybe, all the answers to my questions - it’s just about time. By the time it happens, I would lead myself towards the door - and I know it would be myself alone. Because what I know is there is no one in this world that has the answer to all our questions except ourselves. What makes it maybe different is that we have another hand to hold, and it’s comforting.
