Gonna miss this toothless smile

I learned from college that parenthood is one major moment in one’s life that will change the person’s entire worldview. People will change priorities, and it will make them closer to their parents as they have stepped in their parents’ shoes. Add it to the absence of my mother and miscarriage; I think my own parenthood experience has changed me entirely. One year surely passed by so fast, and yet today I still feel like seeing miracle on a daily basis, having a rainbow baby.

The world is not so kind to females who bear offspring. Like in the species that I’ve spent almost a decade working for, the Komodo dragon, the females guard their eggs for months without eating – sometimes from their own father, losing weight drastically. It is also ironic when I was pregnant and got flu – I couldn’t take any medicine – being pregnant was wild, tops it with being sick. When breastfeeding, my immune went down, and no matter how sick I was, I needed to keep breastfeeding to give immunity to my baby. When I think about it – it is so tormenting. Doing it all while still working stuff, and the only person who really knew you and understood how difficult the situation is is already gone. There were countless times I cried alone, missing my mother, thinking during breastfeeding at 3 AM if she would praise me that I am a good mother. Those times were so dark and lonely. Even lonelier than when I cried at her funeral. I remember the year 2018, the only year that I remember the whole timeline, the people involved and what they said or did, and the pain in the chest of how bad I said goodbye to the person who gave birth to me.

Gonna miss this moment

All that struggle with outbursts of emotion during breastfeeding and fatigue of holding a baby that keeps growing - now fades away. The darkest side of all those, I think, is how lonely it is to be a motherless mother, but you are still thankful for the experience of holding your own baby. I am beginning to understand why my mother and father did things the way they did, and it makes contact with one of them becoming more bearable every single day. Every day I woke up and saw how the face of my baby becoming different every day. He grows taller and bigger, heavier, and stronger. So strong that he only caught the flu once in his entire life for a year, and I am thankful for that. 

Suddenly, the crib doesn’t fit, the shirts are too small, the favorite food is rejected, and then he crawls, sits, and tries to stand. Everything changes so fast. I learned that motherhood gives you loneliness but also teaches you that changes are irrefutable. In the blink of an eye, he turns one - officially no longer a baby. I will miss those tiny feet and hands. 

They say it takes a village to raise a kid.

But still, the absence of the mother’s mother leaves a hole that can’t be filled. I forever long for my late mother, who’d congratulate me on raising a healthy son while cherishing every second I spent with my little, very own family. I want to share his milestone and laugh with someone who taught me to walk, too, but alas, she’s not here anymore. 

Gonna miss this birthday hike

Unless -  you have a good spouse. My husband does really lift half of the weight off of my shoulder. He shares domestic chores, and starting from my baby’s 7-8 months old, he started to cook almost all the food for the family. He ensures that I don’t feel lonely at times; and these things make life easier when I need to babysit the kid during the day to not missing anything of his milestone; and work on 3 jobs on the evenings or weekends. We even still have time for grocery time each Saturday and a skateboard session on Sunday for my husband while I stroll with my baby on the beach. We do believe this routine will change - as after baby, we have witnessed how change is the only thing that’s constant in life. 

Motherless motherhood taught me many things that I’d never imagined. I keep a promise to myself to never say goodbye when I am angry. I try to listen to someone’s reasons. I am beginning to see how free will and free mind are also a privilege. Raised in a conservative but still have a say in everything, and having the right to choose my own path is a huge privilege. And yes, it’s true that I am becoming closer to my father, and he has started to share things I never heard before - like how he bought a retirement property for my late mom and him, but now it’s just empty - he never thinks to rent it, it’s even still unfurnished after 6 years. Learning that things are only things - because when the person you share happiness with is gone, it means nothing. It’s true that happiness is only real when shared. So I try everyday to make the top priority in my schedule is “to be present for people whose presence I cherish”. You might lose a mother, but you are full of love by the new family that you chose to be with. Not to be forgetting a good mother-in-law, too, who treats you like her own daughter. 

We'll be back here, and he will be bigger, knowing more things than I do when that happens

My body has been back to the pre-pregnancy era, but my delivery scar is still there. Every morning, I look at it and am reminded of Louis Armstrong…

“I hear babies cry, I watch them grow 

They'll learn much more than I'll ever know

And I think to myself; what a wonderful world.”